Recently I re-watched Conan the Destroyer, thinking it couldn’t be as bad as I remembered, and then discovered that yes indeed, it was pretty bad. And I caught up on the story about how the producers wanted to make a PG-rated sequel, with more comedy and less quality, hoping it would make more money, blah blah blah.

So of course, I wondered how I might have written a successful sequel to the excellent Conan the Barbarian, and the following is what I came up with.

CONAN THE DESTROYER (rated R)

Following the events of the first film, Conan is grieving the loss of Valeria. He is obsessed with her. He vows to find a way to resurrect her, because he refuses to bow to the whims of Fate or even Death.

As the first film explored themes of survival, growth, and revenge, this film will explore themes relating to mortality, faith, loyalty, and acceptance as Conan continues to evolve and mature with time and experience.

Act 1. Crom

Conan decides to start with what he knows, his own faith in Crom, a notoriously silent and uncaring god. Conan hopes to stir this god into action, for once. He journeys to Cimmeria, a long dramatic horse-ride into the north where he encounters the impoverished remnants of his people (as well as the cruelty of humans, beasts, and wintry weather), and arrives in the ruins of his own childhood home. 

He seeks out a local shaman for guidance, who tells him to climb a certain mountain, to find a certain ancient altar to Crom, where he must defeat and sacrifice a bear to prove he is worthy. Conan does all this, but Crom does not respond to his prayers for Valeria. Disgusted with both Crom and himself, he turns his back on faith.

Act 2. Sorcery

Knowing from experience that sorcery is both real and powerful, Conan hopes to find a necromancer. He journeys to Stygia, a long dramatic sailing voyage to the south where he encounters civilized evils and horrific monsters. He finds a necromancer, who assumes this hero is here to kill her, but is intrigued when instead Conan asks for her aid. 

She uses him to perform various tasks to collect powerful items for a ritual to resurrect Valeria. He hates this, but endures for his love. But when the time comes, the necromancer betrays him, trying to seduce and enslave him. He kills her and leaves, once again disgusted with himself for stooping to these depths.

Act 3. Underworld

Conan returns to his friend Akiro, the Wizard of the Mounds, for guidance. At first he does not want to help this quest, and wants Conan to accept his loss. But Conan prevails and Akiro leads him to the Black Gate, saying that only Death itself can return Valeria. Conan ventures into the land of Death, encountering ghosts and demons. 

He finds Valeria sitting at the right hand of Death, and challenges Death to free her. Conan performs mighty feats and impresses Death, but ultimately learns that Death cannot be defeated. It is Death, and must be accepted. However… Death can be cheated for a while! It amuses Death to let Valeria return to the living world for one year, and they accept this bargain, and return home together.

Conclusion

I think this would be a dark but thoughtful movie in the same vein as the first. Plus it would set up a third film documenting Conan’s final year with Valeria, in which they overthrow an evil empire and establish Conan’s kingdom.

What do you think?